Letter to an old friend – Get involved by clicking here 

 

Dear Sam,

It’s been a while I know, I have actually moved away now, but you already know that cause you see my mum sometimes.

I hope you and Allen are doing well, you must have been together a while now. I was sorry to hear about Zoe. You had had her a long time. It must have been a hard decision to have her put to sleep.

Mum says you are a home carer now. That’s good they let you do that considering you don’t drive. Unless you do now… I don’t know.

I want you to know that I am okay. I finally got my diagnosis. It took a while but I got there. All those times when you just wrote me off because I wasn’t in the mood to do something, or I couldn’t muster up the energy or desire. Well it was all for a reason. Doing shots with you on your living room floor wasn’t enough to take the sting of bi polar away.

I am doing well where I live. I am finally in control of my own life because not many people know me. That way I get to choose who I let it, unlike there where everyone knew me because I was born there.

I also want you to know that after all these years, I still remember the time we were supposed to meet for lunch, I managed one drink before needing to run out of there from a panic attack. What I didn’t tell you is, once I got home I was fine. I found my support online. From the person who in your eyes wasn’t real. She got me through. She always does, still to this day and where are you?  Thanks for not calling or texting to see how I was by the way. It’s good to know who you can truly rely on when you most need them.

It wasn’t fair of you to blame me or punish me for that. Back then I couldn’t really help my anxiety or emotions as well as I do now. I was a mess back then, I admit that. I was unmedicated and on a path of self destruction but you see that wasn’t my fault. It was Brian. Not that you would understand that. Which you told me on several occasions.

I think also what hurt is when you decided that you would start to self harm. And when I asked what happened, you told me you had scratched yourself with a butter knife, and then you went to the hospital about it. And they basically patched you up with a bandage and sent you home.

That isn’t self harming Sam. When I do it I don’t use a butter knife. And I don’t call for help afterwards. Mainly because Brian doesn’t let me harm to the point I need attention because he doesn’t want me to seek it. He doesn’t want me drawing attention to myself because he would hate it if  I told anyone about him. That is abuse. I do it because when I do I get a release from anything torment that is going through my head and I can concentrate on just the pain for a while.

I am not sure why you did it. And I don’t know why you continued to do it. But what could I say? I couldn’t very well turn around and laugh at your pathetic attempts could I… I couldn’t tell you what you were feeling wasn’t real, because I didn’t know what you felt. But I do know this. Even after you did it, and then I did it later on down the line, you still asked why and you still couldn’t understand it, yet you did it yourself…

So anyway despite all that, I do hope you are doing better.

Take care

imp