Hello rejection, its been a while, has it? I forget, I tend not to recall our encounters, you understand. A record for me though, rejected twice in one week. The mental health team have discharged me from their service, mid treatment I may add. I was halfway through DBT, when my therapist leaves and I had no idea, they called and asked me to see a psych. Rather peculier I thought. Turns out it was a reveiw thing, fair enough. I mention C hadn’t been in contact since she cancelled our last apppointment, Yeah she left the service, and I haven’t been reassigned. The service is extremely short staffed and they can’t offer me anyone else.

Apparently I am doing everything I am supposed to be doing. Like, finding work, taking meds, all that jazz. The psych was happy to affirm the diagnosis was still correct. Which is good, I mean BPD isn’t like the flu.. It won’t just.. go away after a few pills. And that’s it.. She’s happy to send me back into the big bad world where I am only got half the training I was supposed to get with DBT. I guess that means only half the time I will deflect my thinking? I don’t know?

She did direct me to another service I could maybe access. Though it took me a year and two suicidal episodes to get my foot in the door to that one, so I don’t hold up much hope. My hope and faith in finding someone who will stick with me through anything has all but gone. For the longest time I wasn’t willing to reach out and talk about things, or get the help I needed because I didn’t know how to talk about it, and I didn’t want to. Now that I do, I am finding the same mindset as the help offered.

I am in my final week or so of my 30’s and it wasn’t supposed to end this way. I was supposed to be in a better place than I was when I turned 30. Another decade wasted. I give up, I choose to let myself be infected with some incurable disease so that someone who has a chance may live. If only it worked like that.