I had a full shift at one of my new jobs. I can’t pretend it went well, I can’t say I enjoyed it, I knew that I didn’t want the job. I can’t say its because my heart wasn’t in it because I need my heart to be in it at this point.

I have run out of places to beg and borrow and items to sell just so that the creature and I have food in our bellies. Well, more so him than me, I don’t care so much for me in that regard, but he deserves food at least.

So I asked them to phase me into this job slowly, in my mind that meant a few hours here, and a few more somewhere else. They put me on a full 8 hour shift and that’s not even a full shift by their standards. A full shift to them is anywhere between 10-12 hrs a day.

Hours 1-3 – Was fine, I was shut away in the office most of the time, left alone to read support plans and just general info on how it all works
Hours 3-5 – Was okay, had a mild blip when PW (one of the clients) They all have some kind of learning disability and or physical disability. PW seems to have no concept of personal space. And ya know I know he’s harmless, and I know he probably is the same with everyone who works with him, supports him.. So I wanna make that clear right now. I get it. So we finish our activity we did as a group. Most of the clients had dispersed and some of the staff had too. There was two members of staff still hovering in the lounge when PW toddled and stood behind me, I didn’t like this, it made me uneasy. They watched on as PW proceeded to wrap his arm around me and pull me into a hug. All the while I am calmly asking him to stop and let go, the established members of staff are smiling and looking on. Still I ask PW to let go, and I can’t be certain, it could be all in my head, but the more I pleaded, the tighter his hold seem to become. He finished with a kiss to my cheek. And, let me iriterate again, I get it, he is harmless. It’s just… To say I didn’t apprciate it is probably a huge understatment. I don’t like being fondled and touched and I felt immensly uncomfortable. But what bothered me the most is the staff did… nothing. Hearing my plea.. And they did… nothing…

So by hour 6 I was tetchy and was severely peopled out, I was able to dodge most people and just loiter where I could, even hid away in the laundry room where no one seems to go. At hour 7 I was beyond the point of needing to be at home, and back in where the world around me makes the most sense. I was helping with dinner, it was only frozen pizza and salad. The salad was done so it was just a case of loading pizzas into the oven. The first lot came out and I was loading the second lot, until I was asked to help with something else in the kitchen. “Of course” I say, I mean, I am on trial here after all. And I note the guy from before who did nothing during the PW encounter. Again he is stood doing nothing. So I asked him.. Perhaps in a tone or way that wasn’t “asking” Im not sure, I don’t always know how I sound when I word things, and when Im told I am being offensive, I have no clue I have been. I “ask” “Since you are stood there not doing anything, you could be unboxing these pizzas”

So I don’t think shift one went well. That was Saturday. I didn’t hear back from them until today. When they email me asking if I can do another 3 shifts, none of them less than 8 hours long. I haven’t had a chance to feedback my experience. I suppose mostly because I didn’t want to face them and I was wishing it all away. They haven’t asked my how it was, how did I fair.. Then again, I haven’t been in contact with them so fault on both sides there maybe.

But I explained how anxious I become, and it’s gotten worse in the last few months especially regarding people. So the email came through and for the first time in years I have a full blown panic attack.

I was supposed to meet J today. He works with broken people like me, helping intergrate you into the community without having to wear heavy duty armour and show me that being social is a good thing. C set it up. She wants me to work on DBT and instead of following my instincts and hiding, what would happen if I embrace the situation, whatever it may be. If my mood allows of course. I cancelled J. Then he tried to call me. Of course I let it go to voicemail. I don’t want to talk to people through voice and verbal. Just words and text.

My mum went away for a few days this morning. I didn’t know she was going until a day ago, I wasn’t prepared and now she’s not down the road. Not that I would tell her how bad I am, I just need to know she’s there. I can’t call her while she’s away, because that will ruin her time away.

I am coming to the conclusion that I am not going to cope with full time work. The other job I have managed to precure will be almost full time. The job above, I will refer to as (B) is zero hours. My main job (WW) I haven’t even stepped through the door yet other than the interview. The issue is, I don’t know how to go about applying for some kind of disability allowance, and I have that fear that I will be rejected because I am not disabled enough.

I may not be physically crippled but I certainly am mentally, and that doesn’t count.