We meet again WordPress. It seems I only come here when I have no room left inside of me to store the toxin waste that are my thoughts and feelings. I said that I was ready for help, and after a year of waiting I was put on the list and now have a care coordinator. I am supposed to be having DBT treatment. Only… I have missed the last two appointments. My first appointment was .. hard, she wanted to talk about emotions and I didn’t really like it. Then she (C) as I will refer to her as, gave me homework, then told me it was optional and even if I did do it, she wouldn’t ask to see it. But I could share if I wanted. I didn’t do it.

I don’t like having emotions and feeling vulnerable to them. I don’t want to be a slave to feelings. I don’t like the power they hold over me. I can liken emotions to bullies because they rampage through me and don’t explain themselves as to why they appear or what they want and it’s like high school all over again when I was bullied for the majority.

I am feeling pretty useless at the moment. I took a risk and it backfired, allowing my brain to remind me (again) what a pathetic waste of a human I am. I tried to change my job, signed on with an agency, and I had steady work for a while, until the school told me that they thought I wasn’t the right fit anymore, due to the new students that had come in September. And I’ll be honest, I was struggling, it was harder and the demand was greater.

I told everyone they just filled the position as technically I was only a temp. And since then I haven’t been able to find any work = no income .. I had a job interview this week, and the job was mine, I could taste it, I could feel it and so could they, I could see they were going to offer me the role, and they would call me the next day. Then the next day came, I waited until 4pm. Apparently they had a lot to discuss because someone else had come in that morning with the same experience and credentials as myself, and they said the only reason I was not selected was because this other lady is currently active in the industry, and I haven’t been since May. Which if you ask me.. Is not a reason. Then she offered me a zero hours contract. Which I have to take because I have nothing coming in.

Truth be told, even when I interviewed and was waiting for the call, I still didn’t know if I the want for the job was overpowered for the need. And I still don’t know. So another excuse for the brain to be on the attack. I had another job interview all lined up which I didn’t attend, as I felt so unconfident over it, I couldn’t even see myself getting through the interview and decided not to waste their time.

I am slipping down that icy incline, life is always at an incline and sometimes I can march on, and other times I can’t but I fight through it. This time the surface is ladened with ice just to make it that little bit harder. Right now I don’t know where I am headed other than down. I feel as though I am still on my feet at least, but it won’t be long until even they betray me and follow the command of my brain and slip from under me. I can tell I am falling because I am sleeping without aid. Mostly during the day, and awake most of the night. And it goes against everything I am supposed to be. This is my own private asylum and unsettled.

I have been largely unsettled since I moved here in 2021. I haven’t been able to hold down a job like I did when living down south, I had no distractions there regarding family, since they didn’t live close nor was I as close to them emotionally as I am now. Somehow that helped and drove me toward the fear. The fear that if I was to leave or lose that job I wouldn’t be able to afford to live or have a roof over my head. Now I have a roof that has been paid for I know that no matter what I will have somewhere to go. I may not have power, heat or food.. But I will always have a roof and that overshadows all those things. So yeah, I am deeply unsettled and the ironic thing is, that for the first time I have no need to be.

Work that one out, if you can.