Dear No one,

It’s me again, spouting words that you will never hear. Though even if I did tell you, I know you wouldn’t listen. I am in that place again. That place you don’t want to know about or visit. Though I can’t blame you for the latter really. I wouldn’t choose this as a holiday destination either.

But sometimes… It would be nice to be able to share my experiences with someone, like that old saying … A problem shared… etc…

It’s quite dark in my head at the moment. I only seem to look like I am okay because I don’t let you see. Because you don’t ask how I really am. You take all my words at face value. I guess I should be a professional gambler because I truly have an amazing poker face. I have played with the shit hand I have been dealt with for so long and yet here I am still… Still breathing…

So I quit my job last week. Working the day shifts was becoming too stressful. Working with the client wasn’t so bad. That was the easy part. Having hair pulled, and being scratched and so on, isn’t really that huge of a deal when your brain does the same thing to you on a daily basis. It was the other side of things. Working alongside people who I knew would be judging my every action, my every thought. Making me feel even less about myself even though they didn’t realise they were doing so. The paranoia that came with everything surrounding other people and my relentless brain that doesn’t allow me to believe that I am not the subject on everyone’s lips all the time.

The thought of battling against all that in a crowded place, while having to keep an eye on someone who has complex learning disabilities. It isn’t fair that they should have to miss out on living a full life by not being able to access the community just because people scare me. So I quit, and I am going to get a job working the night shifts again.

What’s that? You don’t like that idea?

Well… I don’t like being afraid all the time. I don’t like living in darkness. I don’t like the panic attacks and the stress that comes with working and having to cope with people. People are tiring.

But as long as you don’t like something… I guess we can talk about that. I mean, it doesn’t matter about my feelings, or what is best for my mental health hey? As long as you like the idea. Right?

You asked me what it meant to be Bipolar. And so I told you, it is a chemical imbalance. You probed deeper and asked what chemicals. I said I didn’t know, so you assumed it was hormones. Well I researched, and it isn’t. I even discovered what actually happens. How my brain burns through the daily allowance of whatever chemical faster than yours does. If only my metabolism was as fast. Then you asked what I was doing to help myself. It is hard to do anything when you are at the mercy of a mental health service that is virtually non existent. And until I am at the top of a waiting list there is nothing I can to. Oh right, unless I pay for private care. Which you know I can’t afford. So it’s my fault.

Guilt ensues again. It’s not always you that makes me feel guilt. I do it to me too, and so does practically everyone else when I choose that I’ve had enough and I want to end it. Everyone says to think about the people around you, how would they feel?

Not to be narcissistic here but how about how I am feeling? Or does that make me psychopathic? Or do I feel differently about suicide because when I hear someone had the strength to carry it through, I have a mixture of feelings towards it. Jealousy is one but I am also happy for them, they finally have release.

I don’t tell you things because I don’t want to frighten you, also I know that you will call me practically everyday then I feel smothered. So I keep quiet and play my hand, reveal nothing.

I had two job interviews lined up this week. I went to one, I think it went well. The other was supposed to be this morning, I had to call and asked to reschedule because after I got home yesterday the mood slowly seeped and drained away. I was asleep by 8pm. The exhaustion of having to be social and not myself had sapped all my energy. This meant I was awake at midnight, but you wouldn’t know that. How would you know about my sleep schedule. Or lack of, we don’t talk about such things.

So 3am rolls around and I try sleep again, knowing I have to be up early. I sleep an hour at a time. Until I have the crippling anxiety inducing nightmares. And I wake up with panic. And so I call and ask to reschedule. And I can hear you asking “But why?”

Because it’s like sending your child to school with an earache. Or you going to a meeting with sickness. This is a sickness. And there is no pill you can take that can keep it at bay for a few hours like you can with a cold or flu.

That is the other thing. I haven’t been taking any meds. I haven’t taken meds for months now. That one is on me. I can’t blame anyone for that. Not that I am blaming you for anything. They were ineffective, so why take them? Do you take pain relief when there is no pain? Would it help?

No

And I know that my being off my meds is mainly why to why I am so bad at the moment. I stupidly thought that, If I took myself off them, then when I got to see a Doctor, the transition period wouldn’t take so long. Because, I don’t know if you know this but, with meds like mine, you have to be weaned off completely before you can start taking something new. And even then it takes up to 8 weeks for it to start having some sort of affect. But we don’t talk about that so how would you know… My plan backfired though. I didn’t realise I would have to wait so long to see a psychiatrist.

I have been on a waiting list since July. And in that time I have seriously contemplated suicide twice. It is quite funny really, you would think…That alone would be enough to get you bumped up to the top of this list. Nope. When I told my Doctor about it, he said he’d chase it it up. And yes, he did. He told me that I should be seen in the next few weeks. Well that was 8 weeks ago.

You think that I choose to sit at home and not lose the weight I need to because I am lazy, well only half of that is true. Yes, I am lazy but I do not choose to sit at home. Sometimes sitting at home is all I can do. You have this belief that I eat all day and don’t eat healthily. I can tell you that most days, I barely eat at all. Why don’t you start going to the gym? or just a walk?

I cannot abide exercise. Do I ask you why you don’t do something you hate? For some reason I don’t get that feel happy warm fuzziness that comes with sweating out my guts. Also there is that whole people thing. When you don’t like people to start with, you really don’t want to put yourself in a situation where you are likely to be judged and pointed and laughed at, am I right?

But there is that psychopath in me again, thinking that everything is all about me.

So I hope you read this, though I know you won’t, how could you when I won’t let you?

Count yourself lucky. I know you have suffered with dark times. We all do. But you’re allowed to see the light more than some, and you are allowed to enjoy the light longer than some. Remember that family day out we had in July? That is the straw that broke this camels back.

A day out to a wildlife park, seems fun when you think about it. Not to me, dread and anxiety levels rise. But it was a family day out. So I am expected to perform like the circus clown I am. It’s like the family vacation Dad wants to take us on next year. Do you know how much I am dreading that? But, we don’t talk about that. And if I say I don’t want to go, then I will be the bad guy, so I guess I will have to take an extra deck of cards with me that week.

Love always

Your daughter / sister / whatever.

Imprinted xxx