Perhaps I should stop listening to people.

“Yes, you should move back to be nearer your family. Yes it will help your mental health”.

“So what if you are being ripped away from the few actual friends that you have, that took you 35 years to find. So what if you are being ripped from everything you know. Your routine. Your job that you held down for five years. The longest you ever had. So what!. You will have your family. So, who cares if you are now trapped in a system that puts you at the bottom of a waiting list to see a mental health professional despite your meds not working and haven’t worked for nearly a year now.

It’s fine…. You will have your FAMILY.

What family?

The same family who have their own lives? Their own children and social lives?

The friends I had, or thought I had dissipated when I moved away almost 10 years ago. Then again, they weren’t friends. Not friends that I came to learn were friends…

I can’t handle my job. I can’t handle the stress. I can’t handle the people. I can’t handle any of it. I go online to chatrooms and become something I am not if only to mask the anxious wreck that sits at home.

I am so stupid. I listened to them because they are “family” They love me, they clearly know what is best for me.

I have one sister who believes if I listen to a podcast about what I am eating will help with the mental health. Because we can all afford to eat Gojo berry smoothies everyday and live on celery sticks. I have another sister who, yes, does understand the struggle. But also believes I just need to get myself to a gym and the exercise will help cure me.

I have a mother who calls me every week to make sure I am still breathing, but has a better social life than a Kardashian.

And my dad? Well, as much as I know he loves me. We speak nothing about the bipolar.

“Do you want to come out with us today? We are having a family day that requires you to be outside for six hours in the 80 degree heat and oh.. Yes there will be lots of walking?”

“NO!”

Awww. are you sure?

Yea, I want to sit at home, and cry because that is all I can do right now. I hurt inside, I can’t explain it. And I want to, for the first time in my life, I want to reach out and talk to a professional but I can’t because I have no explanations. I can’t fathom it. I wasn’t subjected to some cruelty. I wasn’t left in the system and have abandonment issues. I wasn’t abused or let down.

So why am I this way? I need to see the logic. I like logic.

It is 3pm here. And I am done with today, I am already done with tomorrow.

I am done.