I am in the beginnings of being swallowed by the darkness. I am out of the denial phase and into the slow realization that it’s too late. My fingertips are crooked so bad that my bones are stiffened into a constant hooked state of just holding onto the edge of the back of the large throat that has me gripped. Soaked with the water that the darkness is drinking to flush me down. As though I am just one of those chalky pills that you have to take and can’t quite get down.

Or maybe that is just the fight in me that is making me hold on.

Thing is, I don’t have much fight left inside me. I don’t even think I want to fight anymore. I am exhausted and I just want to rest and say

“Fine, consume me”

I think what is hurting the most right now is… I know what the issues are, or at least, I think I do. I just don’t know where to start to fix them. I mean I have heard countless times how I need to start to look after myself, eat better, get out more, exercise blah blah blah… I know all this… I just don’t understand why I don’t …

Well let’s address the elephant in the room here, I don’t exercise because I am not one of those people that enjoys it. I can’t think of anything worse. Why kill myself and make my mood worse? The endorphin thing? Complete fabrication. I am sorry but exercising does NOT release endorphins to everyone, and it may be a scientifical fact and yea maybe my brain does release them, but I don’t feel the benefit. So stop trying to sell that one on me. If they did get released maybe I would be more addicted to the exercise thing. As we know, I am an addict of certain things. Or have been in the past.

I can’t even blame overeating at the moment because I have barely had an appetite for months. And while this isn’t a bad thing, I am now starting to look at food and debate whether I want to eat it as I have gone so long without it. Like eating would be harmful to myself, when I know deep down it is the other way around. I guess the lack of appetite would have been my first clue. But I couldn’t see that at the time.

The thing I am struggling most is, work. I have been pulled into the office because apparently I am not as he put it.. “enthusiastic” enough, or as I should be, I explained I am not one to go over the top and beyond because we have decided to go out for a drink for the umpteenth time that week.

Let me be clear here, for work, I support a lady in her own home who has severe Autism, going out for drinks and the odd meal and drives out in the car is pretty much her life and her routine, and that is fine, I get that. But I am not the type of person to make out that going to the same coffee shop we went to two weeks ago is going to be this amazing mystical adventure, I don’t operate that way, I am reserved and I am quiet and I am not about to pretend to be overly excited because it is just not something I can do.

I will not pretend to be something I am not.

I can’t seem to even wear the mask anymore, my face refuses to hold on to it. I am in two minds to just take time off work and work on me. I need time. I need to be left alone, and yet I know I don’t becuase that is the worst thing that can happen to me. I am spending too much time online and not enough time doing the things I should. I had one good day on Saturday, and today I am about to be swallowed. Saturday I swam against the tide and today I am too tired to do that.

I just want to be allowed to fall. But I keep thinking that if I do that I will drown even more in the repercussions of having to live in society and feed myself and run my home. I don’t know what to do…

I don’t know what to do…