It could be the lack of furniture. It could be the cardboard box I am still using as a table as the table I bought has dodgy legs and I need to glue them in place. (Work in progress) It could be that since I have moved I haven’t made any attempt to reconnect with friends from years ago, but then again neither have they to me. The one time I did invite someone out somewhere, he read the message but didn’t reply. So eventually I replied back and said “I take that as a no then”.. Again he read it but failed to reply. We haven’t made contact since.

It could be because I am so utterly introverted that I choose not to go out. That will change next week when I finally start work again.

I moved away from the 3 friends I did have 3 weeks ago. And other than the odd. Hey how are you settling in etc? I haven’t heard from them. I never did believe that we would stay in contact. No matter how much it hurt to leave. It was the right thing to do to move her, be closer to my family. It was all bittersweet. It took me 7 years to make 3 friends and then I left them behind. But you can’t stay in one place cause of 3 people right?

I mean they all had families of their own right on the doorstep. Just cause I had no one else didn’t mean I could tag along and rock up on holidays and birthdays cause I had nowhere else to be or nothing else to do. I have lived in my flat for 3 weeks now, and it’s only been this week that I have started to sit in the living space and not just lay in bed all day because that is what I was used to. I have only ever rented rooms before so having so many rooms to myself seems weird.

No one prepares you for what it’s really like… I am hurting and I know what is missing I am not going to go into detail here, because it’s most likely not what you think. It just feels emptier than ever before. I am living the same way, I am doing the same things. I mean even when I had friends close by it’s not like we saw each other on a regular basis. Like I said they had lives. But somehow doing the things I did there, here.. seems emptier.

I am quite surprised at how long it is taking me to adjust. Despite the fact the rooms look like mine, there is my stamp on it, my things are here, things that have sentimental value, things I have held dear for years. I still feel like I am staying in a strangers place. Like I said, the lack of sofa may not help. That will arrive in January .. Apparently…

I still can’t sleep properly, it’s not an unusual thing, I never did have a great sleep pattern, I just feel like if I slept like I usually do, I would feel a little more settled, I do not feel unsafe in terms of where I am living and the neighbours are all really nice and helpful. I just don’t feel settled inside of me and it sounds so stupid.

For years I have relied only on myself and I like it that way, I felt like I never needed anyone else to calm me, or soothe me, just tell me it’s going to be okay. So why is it so different now? Is it because I am now truly alone? I can kid and pretend that the cactus and spider plant care, and talk to them but.. Come on.. They are plants.. they don’t talk back, just desert you and die when you don’t pay them enough attention and feed them every once in a while…

I am reverting into the playstation and chatrooms again. I only do that when things are going south. I need something to reignite my passions, stimulations and motivation. Because right now, I don’t know where I am or where I am living, physically I live in this lovely one bed apartment. But mentally I am lost.