I can count to a million in a matter of seconds, the clock on the wall is like a cartoon where the hands race around and around at warp speed, nothing is processing properly and I can’t focus or make a decision.

Thing is, now it’s too late to do anything but carry on as normal cause my guilt would send me into infinite overdrive at the idea of calling work 2 and a half hours before I am due to start my shift and telling them I am too dead to come in today.

It’s been a hard day. Harder than I have had in a very long time. I suppose it started last week when my new Doctor decided he shouldn’t let me slide without a med review anymore. i have been avoiding it from my old Doctor for over a year in fear that he would take my meds away and start me on something new. A med change is never a joyous occasion. How can they expect you to function when they force you to first reduce your current meds to nothing, leaving you naked and defenceless against the seeping darkness, then introduce a new poison to counteract the venom that your brain spews into your thoughts and feelings.

So when the Doctor office said I needed a Doctor to phone me for an appointment, I begrudgingly said ok. I had to get a new Doctor because I moved house and I am no longer in the jurisdiction of the old Doctor Office, so they dumped me. So then the lady at the reception told me that the earliest the Doctor could phone me was next monday afternoon. I had several issues with that. Mainly, was I going to get my refill as I would need it before then.. Were they really going to make me wait that long? Yes.

So I worked a night shift last night and I then had to make sure I was awake this afternoon for the call. The afternoon they said, no specifics. I was awake by 1pm and I have been awake ever since. He called at 4pm.

Then asked me.. Why was he calling? Really?

Well, he hasn’t touched my meds, but added a new one.

Also, I called my mum today. Which made me miss her all the more. I can usually get by with not getting overly emotional that I don’t see her or my family often but today I couldn’t hide from it. I haven’t seen any of my family since December last year. I was supposed to go visit them in April… well that didn’t happen…

I am supposed to go visit them in November. So far yes, that is still on but now that the almighty and immune Trump has the virus I am sure new rules will come into play because he wasn’t supposed to get it, but show the world that it was nothing to fear. So I am waiting for Boris to crackdown even more than we already are and put us all on house arrest.

I went for the blade today. Silly I suppose, but I had already decided I was going for the blade before I had even gotten home this morning. Of course I didn’t tell the Doctor any of this… “Oh yes, I am fine, thank you”

I am not fine. I am swimming against the current and subsequently drowning. I still have a night shift to get through. But my head is fuzzy from the constant on off tears. Also I am going to work for selfish reasons. I have overtime every week for the next 3 weeks. I don’t want them to take it away. I am ready for a break but I can’t afford to lose out either.

So I do what I always do and I play the part of the soldier. Always at the end of the phone when someone else calls in sick because they clearly have no conscience or shred of responsibility. Somehow other people have learnt how not to care about what others think of you when you take time off especially at short notice.

Maybe I shouldn’t be working overtime right now, but I can’t fathom the alternative either, I can either sit at home alone and stew, or sit at work alone and stew and get paid for it.

Cycles. They don’t help either. The new med I have been put on is to help with that as it’s been 62 days since my last cycle. Apparently that is not uncommon according to the Doctor. But after 62 days all I can think is that the lining is now just a sea of eggs and blood and there is a mental cork that is holding it all in. It’s odd because the stress of it has been taken away by me having this new med. But the stress is still there because at anytime my waters could break as it were and I am about to flood out an ocean of unwanted pregnancies.

Yes this turned vulgar.

“Cause sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak
And when you feel weak
You feel like you wanna just give up
But you gotta search within you
Try to find that inner strength
And just pull that shit out of you
And get that motivation to not give up
And not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall
Flat on your face and collapse”

It’s just that point of running on the fumes of the last of the energy you can muster. Nowhere nearby to fill up before you collapse. I have searched for years, there is no inner strength to behold. The motivation dried up with the tears and the desire to carry on.

Today I choose to quit, let my brain pack his bags and leave me, leaving an empty shell of nothing. leave me in the corner like a discarded toy that a kid got that one Christmas, played with once then never looked at it again. I’d be quite happy to collect dust and have roaches and flies scurry in and out of my ears and eye sockets. At least that way no one would expect anything from me. Until they replaced the battery at least.

imprinted