It’s been a while. No, I am not dead.

Thank goodness I hear you scream…Maybe. Probably not.

I know I don’t use this space as often as I should. I created it to let out my frustrations and tensions. And while I am not exempt from those I do seem to forget that this space is here and that a part of me likes to express myself on a written forum as the words seem to spew from my fingers rather than my mouth.

What can I say? Just ask Morgue, she will tell you I have a voice that would give a gagged mouse a run for it’s money. I got sick of repeating myself. Not her fault. Wasn’t mine either. Anyway that isn’t why I am here.

I did it again, I thought that I was making a friend of sorts. The 3D kind, the kind that doesn’t live on my screen, the kind that I seem to struggle to maintain. Maybe I ask too much without words of course.

She recruited me in the obsession that is Fortnite, was okay, we played together a few times, showed me the ropes and all that. She even introduced me to a friend of hers on there.

Lately when they are online, and I invite them to play they ignore the request. I don’t get it. And yes I know I sound petty, I sound like a stupid 12 yr old that has BFF issues. But they aren’t even my BFF ( BTW I hate that phrase)

I just seem to get kicked outside.. Well no, I don’t even seem to get INSIDE to get kicked outside, it’s like I get to look through a window or letterbox, I am allowed to get a taster of what could have been and then they kinda get to know me and it’s like yeah, no… Like getting someone hooked on meth, then taking it away. Sick and cruel teenager mind games and I fall for them everytime.

I shower daily to rid myself of the stench of desperation.

And you know what I am 36 years old now, I am practically a fully functioning adult. (I say almost.. cause I will never be fully functioning) Point is I shouldn’t care about this shit anymore.

Hell people are dying of a virus that we breathe in when we go outside. And I still go to work and take a bus, do I care about that? No.

I just don’t understand what it is that I do to repel people. I know I can be clingy and I try not to. I really do. But I fail to comprehend how a normal person behaves when a tiny bit of attention is shown.

Don’t share your interest and then they write you off, show too much and still they write you off. What is the right amount? How do I stop my brain from overthinking every god damn fucking detail.

Being alone all the time sucks. And yeah I can cope with it okay because I am trained in the art of solitude. Since I was 15 I have used the internet as my BFF. And ya know it’s not that I am ashamed of that. I have met some truly amazing people online.

Granted most have fizzled and disappeared, become obsolete like your dial-up connection. Who’d have thunk… Your connection gets better, and people find lives of their own… Or takes em… I wouldn’t know. They don’t check in.

I just can’t help thinking that when my parents were my age, they had a mortgage and 3 kids…

I rent a room in a house, I literatly have a hole in the wall above the garage. I don’t have kids and I have nothing even close to a relationship cause I am the repeller of people and socialness. And yes I can sit here and blame my being sat somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Or I can use the old age excuse that it is kinder for them if I am alone in case I am visited by Brian and I start to believe that my brain is trying to kill me again.

I have always said that there is a perfect person out there for everyone, it’s just a question of finding them. And yes you could argue that I have found mine in Morgue, even if she and I will never be anything more than BFF’s. God I need to stop using that term.

But still even after I flaked and we spent 5 years without barely a word we still picked up where we left off.

But I digress. I am a new breed of superhero. With The Riddler’s mind and colours. Because we all know that green is the colour of jealousy. It’s like my kryptonite. Envy and jealousy is something that I fight often, it’s as if Brian has taken a new form because it grows stronger everyday. And it’s not aimed at anyone in particular.

Just at their ability to hold a healthy friendship with each other, and when I say that I mean with the 3 dimensionals. I lie and say I don’t care for them all that much, and maybe I don’t…

But one is the loneliest number.