I, like a lot of people have to take meds to help my brain work. They balance out the chemicals that get all out of whack and don’t sit right. It stops me from falling flat on my face when I can’t keep up right on a narrow ledge.

They lift me up when I am down and plaster a fake smile on my face. That’s okay right?

“You have a mental disorder? Well that’s okay, these days they can fix that with the right medication”

Yeah and the rest.

See any average person that was born on a cloud and spits out sunshine and rainbows don’t see what happens behind the mask, after the door closes and it’s just you and your meds.

Side effects.

Is it fair that I have to suffer side effects just to be somewhat normal? Why don’t the sunshine spewers feel any side effects from their positivity? Or do they? Do we not see it? Or do we not see it because they are so optimistic they cover it up with something else?

When I take seroquel (Quetiepine) 200mg a night I take, I often get restless leg syndrome. My right leg jerks like it’s chicken on a grill slowly marinated in juices. I am a puppet and the Master is above me pulling the strings, but only to my right leg. It makes little sense to me that a drug that is classed as an anti-psychotic that is supposed to suppress me and calm me down makes me feel the need to move and twitch.

But then… Let’s be honest here, I have abused seroquel for years. I am talking abuse to the point where I probably shouldn’t be alive now. I have been known to take up to 1200 mg a hit, then when I woke up, just prescribe myself some more.. Another 1200 this time? Maybe only 700.. I don’t want to run out before I can get more.

I used to buy it online, I wasn’t prescribed it like I am now. In fact I am surprised the Dr. even LET me take it as a prescription drug knowing my history, but hey whatever works right?

Prozac (Fluoxetine) I take that in the morning, 60mg to be exact. The nausea I got from that in the early days was something terrific. Do sunshine litterers experience nausea when in a happy mood? Or even just in a mood that isn’t a low one?

Sleep problems (insomnia), Strange dreams; Headache, Dizziness, Vision changes; Tremors or Shaking, Feeling anxious or Nervous; pain, Weakness, Yawning, Tired feeling; Upset stomach, Loss of appetite, Nausea, Vomiting, Diarrhea; Dry mouth, Sweating, Hot flashes and my personal favourite

Thoughts of suicide…

And after you have put your body through all of that, there are no guarantees that the med will even work. So you are give another one to try and you start all over again. Granted the majority of those side effects are rare but I wonder as I choke down these green and yellow capsules why do I have to risk all that to get something that comes so natural to another?