It has been a long time since I have used this space as an outlet and if I am totally honest, I think the reason is that because well. Until recently I have been estranged from the best and longest friend I ever had. We took a 5 year break… Or rather, I did. And coming here just seemed too hard at the time.

Well now, we are back to where we were five years ago. It’s almost like those five years never even eluded our friendship, I wrote to her in an email about how our friendship seemed to be fractured.

I was wrong.

It is as solid as it ever was. And I am glad. I won’t take our relationship for granted like that again, sometimes the risks are just not worth it. And your poker face is not so convincing.

I suck at poker, frankly I am quite surprised that we won this hand. It is almost like we both had 20 and by the laws of probability both needed aces to win, which both needed to be at the top of the deck. See how bad I am at poker? I was talking poker, and then I switch to blackjack.

I don’t seem to keep to one topic very long. But hey, you will learn that about me. If you read this that is…

I jump around a lot but then I guess my brain (Or Brian as I call him) is good at that. Brian has bi-polar effective disorder. We were diagnosed (finally) 3 years ago. I don’t much like to talk about my feelings and such.

I have always preferred to push feelings into a deep dark abyss, lock it up and walk away. There are feelings in there from so long ago that, since I don’t deal with them have probably starved and withered away from lack of attention or nourishment from my good self. I don’t know.

Recently, for the first time though I was venting to someone about my lack of sleep, usual, generic stuff, meant nothing by it really, just needed to let off steam. Lesson learned in who to go running to though. It was the first time in… I wanna say… 22 years since I started to feel like there was something wrong that I was responded to in a way that labelled me.

I have a name, and it is not bi-polar.

You get it though I am sure, we are people first and our conditions later. We have thoughts and feelings like all human beings that have the ability to be completely normal.

Though, I am not human at all, I am in fact a three breasted alien. Morgue will tell you that. She’s met me.

Truth is. I only ever used to come here when I was in the depths of the abyss and Brian had taken over, that was when I used to write what I considered to be read-worthy articles.

Well Brian has been locked in the abyss a while now and I am writing this on my own this time. And I don’t see him being released just now. Because I am in a decent place. It’s amazing what happens when you take meds properly.

For years I self medicated to put me in a coma, that was my coping mechanism and it worked for a while. A good while. Then my brain started to fight back and I became immune to the pills I was buying off the internet, and let me tell ya… Drugs that aren’t prescribed to you, ain’t cheap…

Yeah so I stopped.

Been clean almost five years.

When I say clean… I still take medication that is prescribed to me. That is something I will never be able to do without and I have made peace with that.

No more letting the pills run out. I need them. As I call them, my “do not kill yourself pills”

Not that it’s me that does the suicide attempts. That is Brian but that is a story for another day. The less he is mentioned the better.

For now at least I am just thankful to have my wench back in close communication.